I got to work this morning with two missed calls from Mum.

Two.

Two missed calls within half an hour of each other. Surely, some strange contrivances of fate are afoot which have rendered her helpless and lame and in desperate need of my assistance.

I called her back right away even as the clock ticked over and co-workers were chirping happily around me: “Mum? Mum, what’s happened? What’s up?!”

“Oh!” she trills brightly as though she completely missed the shellack of concern in my tone, “Hey, honey!”

“You called? Twice.”

“Oh, yes. I was just wondering if you have heard that Star Wars is coming out on Blu-ray.”

Oh Jesus.

“Yes, I’ve heard.”

“Oh,” she takes on that not-so-subtle glint of secrecy, “Well, your birthday is coming up.”

“I don’t have a Blu-ray player.”

“But we do.”

“And…?”

“You could watch it over here. That’s all I’m saying.”

My coffee has not even kicked in yet. I rub my temples. My desk seems to collapse in around me. Co-workers are still chirping in the background.

“Mum. Did you call me twice this morning just to say that you and Dad want to buy yourselves Star Wars on my birthday?”

“Well, when you put it like that…”

And that’s why I usually ignore all callls before noon.